


20-18-9-16-12-5

by MostFacinorous



Series: Night Vale Secret Police Archives [3]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: F/M, M/M, NVSP archives, Podfic Available
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-26
Updated: 2013-08-26
Packaged: 2017-12-24 17:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/942542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MostFacinorous/pseuds/MostFacinorous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The following file is from the archives of the Sheriff’s Secret Police phone tap records. This communication may contain confidential, proprietary, legally privileged, or raunchy information. It is intended only for Official Local Secret Police Business. Please do not use, listen to, retransmit, or masturbate to the following recording, unless you are part of the Sheriff’s Secret Police force. If you have accessed this recording and are not a member of the Secret Police, please remove both eyes and place them in the dishwasher for cleaning. A surveillance monitor will be along shortly with brain bleach to assist you with the rest of the clean up process. Thank you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	20-18-9-16-12-5

Recording can be found [[here](http://nvsparchive.tumblr.com/post/59375201923/night-vale-secret-police-archives-recording-number)]

Download can be found [[here](http://kiwi6.com/file/5k0z47dchf)]

Transcript below.

 

[SPO Antonia]

The following file is from the archives of the Sheriff’s Secret Police phone tap records. This communication may contain confidential, proprietary, legally privileged, or raunchy information. It is intended only for Official Local Secret Police Business. Please do not use, listen to, retransmit, or masturbate to the following recording, unless you are part of the Sheriff’s Secret Police force. If you have accessed this recording and are not a member of the Secret Police, please remove both eyes and place them in the dishwasher for cleaning. A surveillance monitor will be along shortly with brain bleach to assist you with the rest of the clean up process. Thank you.

****

{ringing}

****

[Cassandra] What’s UP?

****

[Tracy] Hey Cass! Um, I was just wondering, did we hang out the other night? Like after our last call?

****

[C] Yeah, probably. ...I don’t remember.  Weren’t we talking about going to a rave or something?

****

[T] Oh yeah! Shit, I forgot. Man, I can’t even tell if I remembered to redye my hair. I think it’s actually growing in thicker now, though. This stuff is amazing.

****

[C] Oh, geez.  If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were turning into a dyeholic.

****

[T] Uh, better than a dracophiliac!

****

[C] Oh gurl you did not just.

****

[T] Relax, you know I think you guys are perfect together, and I fully support transpecial relationships. Or, yours at least. That guy who still crushes on your mom even now that she’s a giant scorpion-- is a little weird.

****

[C] Larry? Yeah, but that’s mostly creepy because she turned him down in like, high school.

****

[T] Yeah right, that’s the weird part. {sarcasm} Anyway. I got another journal to input. Are you interested?

****

[C] Does it mention Cecil?

****

[T] I Dunno. Let’s find out.

{papers rustle}

****

This morning a book caught on fire. My reference handbook, with all the conversions that I didn’t ever memorize, started sparking the moment I opened it. And not spontaneous combustion, this was a natural fire that started with sparks and flame-- it smelled like an electrical fire, followed by agonized screaming and a smell like rotten meat. On the up side, the smell of… misfiring books? I guess that’s what we’re calling it-- the smell seems to have driven off the tick population, which has been overwhelming of late.

****

I dropped the book into the first empty fishtank (no clue where the fish went) and watched it propel itself through the water by flapping its covers in a motion that, if fingers would have been in the way, would have proven painfully. Probably. That’s my hypothesis, in any case. A small team of young researchers showed up at the lab a couple of days ago. Maybe I’ll have one of them test it out.

****

Speaking of, we’ve already lost one of their number when he… I guess he thought that the red flags decorating some of the piles of trash were funny, and picked one up to try and wave it around. He’s not dead, just... lost. We occasionally hear him talking, but… No one can see him or feel him, even if his voice seems to be directly beside you. He talks about being in a vast cemetery, surrounded by hooded figures, and his voice is always slightly muffled, like there’s cloth between him and us.

****

The loss of our colleague sent us all into a fit of heavy despair, which was shortly turned into horror, I think at the realization that something as seemingly harmless as a book or a pile of refuse could be what sends us to a premature end.

****

One of our researchers, a practical girl named Jenny, recommended we all go and do something outside of the lab, to remind ourselves that we are alive, and that not everything is lethal… though the effect was somewhat ruined when she capped the suggestion by insisting on taking a headcount, “just in case”.

****

[C] How the heck are you supposed to know what litter to leave where they’re from?

****

[T] I don’t, maybe they just leave it all?

****

[C] Gross.

****

[T] Ohmigod. Cass… This is the one where he gets his hair cut.

****

[C] AHHHH PLOP I FORGOT ABOUT THAT. Oh man, I saw Telly trying to give a joshua tree highlights the other day. It was SO GOOD.

****

[T] Good. That is exactly what he deserves.

****

[C] Well come on, don’t leave me hanging -- KEEP READING!

****

[T]

I chose to use my time outside to spruce up a bit-- take care of things I’d been neglecting, like grocery shopping, getting my hair trimmed, and asking about any job openings here in town. Telly-- the guy who cut my hair-- said to check the obituaries in the Night Vale Daily Journal, since those are usually the best indicators of a no longer staffed position. He made a good point. I got him to give me directions to the nearest newspaper kiosk, and spent the whole trip there hoping that newspapers weren’t having similar malfunctions to their bound brethren, but when I got to the newsstand… there was nothing in it but milk. Which, I’m sure, had long since gone bad in this heat.

****

I ended the day by driving past the radio station, where all of the gauges in my car immediately spun to point towards it, almost like compasses. I drove around the station, relatively certain that this, at least, was a safe to investigate phenomena, and I turned on the radio in time to hear the host talking about me-- or, more specifically, my hair cut.

How this town can ever have that slow of a news day, I will never know, but his angry reaction was enough for me to stop my circuits of the station and head back home.

****

I’ll probably spend the evening shopping online for hats. I mean, it doesn’t look that bad-- it’s the same hair cut I usually get. Just… short. It’s not even that short!  But even more, I wonder about that guy-- and the two people who apparently called in to report on the fact that I got it snipped.

****

Of all the things for this town to sensationalize--!

****

Oh. I also replaced my phone with a bit of local hardware. I’m not sure what the symbols on these extra buttons are for, but for the most part it behaves like a normal mobile, so I guess probably just ignore them, until I get around to translating the user manual out of… what appears to be Basque.

Now I just have to wait for my contacts to reply to my mass email with their phone numbers.

****

Until then, Jenny reports that all of our number made it through the rest of the day. Tomorrow we’ll go check out the Stadium that appears to have… shown up over night. Seriously, why does this place even need a stadium? That thing is big enough to hold five times as many people as supposedly occupy Night Vale.

****

[T] ...Can I tell you a secret?

****

[C] Of course.

****

[T]  I haven’t told anyone else, this is between me, you, and the Secret Police. You can’t ever tell ANYONE. Like, you have to promise me you will never, ever tell Cecil. Totally a hundred percent off the record.

****

[C] oh my god, what did you do.

****

[T] So that day… I ran into Carlos in the super market. And like, you know. Cecil loves his hair, and I thought, well, it did have split ends, and maybe if he just… took care of it a little… Cecil would love it even more?

****

[C] {gasps} TRACY, you didn’t.

****

[T] Haha no just kidding. God. You are so easy. {nervous laughter}

****

[A] Actually she’s not kidding, we have video evidence of the transgression.

****

[T] Oh my god my life is so fucking over.

****

[Bernard] ANTONIA. You are NOT supposed to be interfering. Go back to knitting the mittens for the station cats. We keep getting complaints about them clawing up the airways.

****

[A] But… wait why are you even listening in on this?

****

[C] Oh my god. I think we just fell victim to a four-way-calling-attack.

****

[T] Uh, the secret police better be picking up the tab for this. My mom is going to kill me if the bill shows I started a party call.

****

[B] Whatever. Just get us those Kitty Knittens, Toni. Bernie out.

******  
  
**

[C] Yeahhh, I’m just gonna…ugh. Bye, Tracy!

****

[T] Bye Cass. Nice meeting you Toni!

****

{click}

****

[A] UGH. This concludes recording 20-18-9-16-12-5. This recording and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the Sheriff’s Secret Police, or the entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this recording in error please notify the Secret Police, or else you will not be allowed to see Khoshekh or his kittens in their kitty knittens. You can alert the Secret Police by placing a small bowl of raisins on your front porch, and hanging a dried chicken claw over your kitchen sink. Thank you.

****

[Maria]

The creators of the NVSP Archives would like to invite you to enter in our Night Vale Original Character contest. We’ve had so much fun with our OCs, we decided we’d like to hear a little about yours!

****

Between now and September 19th, submit a drawing or written description (or both) of your Original Night Vale character to us at NVSPArchive dot tumblr dot com. The winner will receive one general admittance ticket to the sold out 7:00 showing of Night Vale Live in Brooklyn on October 10th. We can’t wait to see what you come up with!

****

[Kalyn]

NVSP Archives would like to thank those of you who reblog, comment, like, kudos, or pass these on to your friends. We have a lot of fun doing each episode, and hope to keep them coming. This entry’s cast includes Courtney Ortega as the voice of Cassandra Williams, Maria Perry as the voice of Tracy Hart, Tim Herber as the voice of Bernard, and Kalyn Salgueiro as the voice of Antonia.


End file.
